Right now, I have the answer to EVERYTHING. And it’s just one word. Which is great, because this sleep-deprivation shit plays havoc with your vocab.

Toddler!

- You look tired. Are you not sleeping?

- Toddler.

 

- Why does the house smell like cinnamon?

- Toddler.

 

- Why is the front lawn covered in duplo?

- Toddler.

 

- Why is the cat cowering in the bath?*

- Toddler.

 

- Why are the chairs all on top of the table?

- Toddler.

 

- Why is the loungeroom floor covered in a fine layer of talc?

- Toddler.

 

- Why haven’t you washed/brushed your hair this week?

- Toddler.

 

- Where are my keys?

- Toddler.

 

- Where is my mind?

- Toddler.

 

You may choose to add a little courtesy.

- Would you like to come out for dinner with us tonight?

- Sorry, toddler.

 

It even works as a reply to simple statements.

- That’s a lot of washing you’re doing.

- Toddler.

 

But it’s best reserved for existential angst.

- Why? Why me?

- Toddler.

 

 

*Just kidding. We have neither cat nor bath. (But the neighbours do.)