Archives: nappies

The 11* commandments of mothers’ groups**

  1. Thou shalt not block the aisles with a pramslide.

  2. Thou shalt not take thine’s own baked goods to the café. (This is somone’s business, dammit. Brandish your baked goods elsewhere.)

  3. Thou shalt never change a nappy in view, or smell, of other patrons. No, not even a wet one.

  4. Thou shalt keep thine offspring close. The other diners don’t really want to play with your kids; they’re being polite.

  5. Thou shalt pay for damages, or at least offer.

  6. Thou shalt resist the temptation to bite the child that bit yours.

  7. Thou shalt seek approval before uploading to social media.

  8. Thou shalt help thine toddler pick up scattered toys, books, or furniture, unless they’re having a tantrum meltdown, in which case thou shalt leave in haste.

  9. Thou shalt not be boastful about a full night’s sleep, an active sex life, developmental milestones, or fitting pre-pregnancy jeans.

  10. Thou shalt not let thine dog lick another’s baby’s face. They do not find it cute.

  11. Actually, thou shalt leave thine dog at home. Six toddlers is enough animal madness for anyone’s sanity.

 
*because someone always has to go one better, don’t they?

**yes, ok, “parents’ groups”

20 weeks

All of a sudden, we’ve passed halfway, & the bump rounds out proud& I can’t use my stomach muscles to hide it anymore, & I’m waken by indigestion (and leg cramps), & migraines come and go, & we get serious about hospitals, & I plan to write a will (for the first time), & name suggestions become less amusing, & all new conversations about the baby involve its gender, & there are all these babies out there to notice (and bumps!), & how the hell do you choose a pram anyway; can we just borrow one?, & what if this kid’s just not as awesome as the first two, & I’m desperately hoping that these severed breasts will work again, & nappies, oh nappies, dear God facing nappies again, & the boys are so incredibly excited, & I’m awake and superalert at 3:15am, & I cry at sad stories about strangers (by strangers), & I wouldn’t mind a Really Big Drink, & there’s a little person making fluttery somersaults in my belly!,  & I put my thin clothes away for a while, & we need to discuss a vasectomy, & all the kids I’ve known for years seem so big!, & I’m surprised I’m not scared at all, I’m excited, & I don’t really care about the line up for Splendour this year, & bloody hell, this is really happening.

Cool.

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