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Thou shalt not block the aisles with a pramslide.
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Thou shalt not take thine’s own baked goods to the café. (This is somone’s business, dammit. Brandish your baked goods elsewhere.)
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Thou shalt never change a nappy in view, or smell, of other patrons. No, not even a wet one.
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Thou shalt keep thine offspring close. The other diners don’t really want to play with your kids; they’re being polite.
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Thou shalt pay for damages, or at least offer.
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Thou shalt resist the temptation to bite the child that bit yours.
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Thou shalt seek approval before uploading to social media.
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Thou shalt help thine toddler pick up scattered toys, books, or furniture, unless they’re having a tantrum meltdown, in which case thou shalt leave in haste.
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Thou shalt not be boastful about a full night’s sleep, an active sex life, developmental milestones, or fitting pre-pregnancy jeans.
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Thou shalt not let thine dog lick another’s baby’s face. They do not find it cute.
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Actually, thou shalt leave thine dog at home. Six toddlers is enough animal madness for anyone’s sanity.
*because someone always has to go one better, don’t they?
**yes, ok, “parents’ groups”